Crazy girl

Here I am once again...

In the hospital!

My last hospital stay was HELL! It was almost exactly like the one last October. Nose bleeds, surgery mishaps, pleural effusions... Well actually that one was new. Not that this is a surprise by any means, but apparently I am a FREAK of nature. I am so stressed out about having to go through all this shit, just to get IV meds.
I'm not going to lie, I went to a dark place for a month. Didn't really talk to anyone, I was just too upset. The last thing I want to do when shit hits the fan, is explain it to everyone who asks. Not that I don't appreciate them caring enough to ask, but I just couldn't do it. We all have our ways of coping, and getting through life's many obstacles. Don't worry though, I'm not hitting the bottle or anything. Although I have become very good friends with Seagrams. ;) A little whiskey never hurt anyone. In fact, it's often used to help with pain (in my case emotional, and physical pain) it really is a miracle elixir. 
I caught a cold a couple weeks ago, and am just now getting over it. Thankfully! Colds are the worst.

This transplant needs to happen. I'm going to keep going because that's what I do, but I'm having a hard time not going crazy right now. I had a phlebotomist come in to draw blood, and she poked me twice - didn't get any blood, and she blew my vein. After she left I was so upset I called my mom, and then cried really hard in the privacy of my own bathroom.

At the moment my breaking point is just around the corner. I know that I'll never turn that corner, but it's a little comforting to know I have the option. It's all about choices, and doing the best you can with what you have. In my case, it's a shit storm.

On a happier note, my husband has a great job. He's making money for us, like a husband should do. I'm pretty traditional on that front. I fully intend on staying home with my little kid(s) when the day comes. Which I'm wishing for every day - at least several times. Right now my kids are my dogs. I love them so much, it kills me being away from them. They are used to snuggling all day, because I've been home for almost the entire last month. I just play with them and snuggle with them all the time. They are the strangest, most loving dogs I have ever met. Besides Morgan's dog Rusty, who passed away last year. She was a gorgeous dog, who just loved Morgan with her whole heart.


Also, I'm missing a few people a lot...

1. My dad. I always miss him, and lately I wish he were here more than anything.

2. My aunt Rory. Words could never describe how much I love this woman. She is one of the strongest people I know. I wish she were here to take care of me, and love on me.

3. Jena B. My partner in crime, my love, and my soul sista. Wishing she were here to take my mind off of everything.


I'm more than satisfied with the people who are around, and I know that 2 & 3 are just a phone call away. But how do you even begin to describe how much you miss someone? I wish we could transfer feelings - with all the flavor and intensity that comes with them.

It's obviously late, and I do have to go to bed. Sorry about all the "shit" stuff. Sometimes there just isn't a better word to describe how crappy life is at the moment.


I love you guys. Thanks for reading my crazy ramblings. I'm pretty positive that most of this doesn't make sense. What can I say, I just took an ambien so I'm bound to say some stupid random things.

Goodnight everyone. I will try to keep you updated, but this first night as been grim and who knows what tomorrow will bring.

Love,
Phee