Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Knock on wood

Hello everyone!

Quick update: Surprisingly enough, there is nothing wrong with my portacath. I thought for sure it was doing something bad, because of the excruciating pain I was getting last time I was in the hospital. I think it might have been a bad access, but there was no swelling. It's sooo hard to say. Anyways, it's working and I'm getting better by the day. I'm 9 days into my stay, and I get to go home at the end of the week. Just in time for Halloween. :)
My sister in law is a photographer, and she is having this Halloween studio shoot. Morgan and I are having some pictures taken, with our puppies. I'm going to get Panda an orange bandana, no costume. He's already festive with his b&w coloring. I on the other hand am being a bunny. I found these cute fluffy ears, and it doesn't require too much work. I'm going to do my makeup and hair, wear a cute outfit, and put on my ears. For the first time in a couple years I will be home, and NOT in the hospital. In stark contrast with last year, I am actually feeling GREAT! And although it's late at night, and I can't sleep because of all the screaming children, I feel so good. Tired, but good and happy.

Life is good right now. I'm going to savor every moment, and I'm going to live it like I have no tomorrow(even though I have lots of tomorrow's). The last couple months have just been horrible, and it's finally over. All of the really tough bits are done and over with - knock on wood - so it's time to move on.

I'm in so much pain tonight! I had my port reaccessed, and it's been sore ever since. As if that's not enough, my pleuritic pain kicked in, and hasn't left for the last 8 hours. I'm exhausted, and have almost been awake for 24 hours. Luckily I've had wonderful nurses all day. You just can't beat that when you feel like shit.

When my doctor comes in today, I'm going to ask him if I can go home on Friday. I REALLY want to get out of here. I have to start packing up our room up too. We are moving this coming month, and WOW we have a lot of crap. I will be doing most of the packing alone because Morgan will be at work. Believe me when I say, that it's for the best. ;) Nothing against my dearest hubby, but packing is not his strongest suit. But I'm willing to admit that that might just be my OCD tendencies talking.

Tonight I'm wishing I could go to bed with my husband, that I could snuggle with my puppies, that I could cook in my kitchen, and paint in my living room. I just want to be surrounded by the house I've lived in for the past 8 years. I've had a lot of great times in our house, lots of bad ones too. It's the longest I've lived anywhere, and I don't regret one second of it. 

Going to bed finally! Nice catching up with you. ;)



Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Crazy girl

Here I am once again...

In the hospital!

My last hospital stay was HELL! It was almost exactly like the one last October. Nose bleeds, surgery mishaps, pleural effusions... Well actually that one was new. Not that this is a surprise by any means, but apparently I am a FREAK of nature. I am so stressed out about having to go through all this shit, just to get IV meds.
I'm not going to lie, I went to a dark place for a month. Didn't really talk to anyone, I was just too upset. The last thing I want to do when shit hits the fan, is explain it to everyone who asks. Not that I don't appreciate them caring enough to ask, but I just couldn't do it. We all have our ways of coping, and getting through life's many obstacles. Don't worry though, I'm not hitting the bottle or anything. Although I have become very good friends with Seagrams. ;) A little whiskey never hurt anyone. In fact, it's often used to help with pain (in my case emotional, and physical pain) it really is a miracle elixir. 
I caught a cold a couple weeks ago, and am just now getting over it. Thankfully! Colds are the worst.

This transplant needs to happen. I'm going to keep going because that's what I do, but I'm having a hard time not going crazy right now. I had a phlebotomist come in to draw blood, and she poked me twice - didn't get any blood, and she blew my vein. After she left I was so upset I called my mom, and then cried really hard in the privacy of my own bathroom.

At the moment my breaking point is just around the corner. I know that I'll never turn that corner, but it's a little comforting to know I have the option. It's all about choices, and doing the best you can with what you have. In my case, it's a shit storm.

On a happier note, my husband has a great job. He's making money for us, like a husband should do. I'm pretty traditional on that front. I fully intend on staying home with my little kid(s) when the day comes. Which I'm wishing for every day - at least several times. Right now my kids are my dogs. I love them so much, it kills me being away from them. They are used to snuggling all day, because I've been home for almost the entire last month. I just play with them and snuggle with them all the time. They are the strangest, most loving dogs I have ever met. Besides Morgan's dog Rusty, who passed away last year. She was a gorgeous dog, who just loved Morgan with her whole heart.

Also, I'm missing a few people a lot...

1. My dad. I always miss him, and lately I wish he were here more than anything.

2. My aunt Rory. Words could never describe how much I love this woman. She is one of the strongest people I know. I wish she were here to take care of me, and love on me.

3. Jena B. My partner in crime, my love, and my soul sista. Wishing she were here to take my mind off of everything.

I'm more than satisfied with the people who are around, and I know that 2 & 3 are just a phone call away. But how do you even begin to describe how much you miss someone? I wish we could transfer feelings - with all the flavor and intensity that comes with them.

It's obviously late, and I do have to go to bed. Sorry about all the "shit" stuff. Sometimes there just isn't a better word to describe how crappy life is at the moment.

I love you guys. Thanks for reading my crazy ramblings. I'm pretty positive that most of this doesn't make sense. What can I say, I just took an ambien so I'm bound to say some stupid random things.

Goodnight everyone. I will try to keep you updated, but this first night as been grim and who knows what tomorrow will bring.