Saturday, April 16, 2011

Long overdue blog

I've been out of it this last week. I guess I underestimated the extent of my exhaustion. I finally finished writing this blog. A major thing happened this week - on Monday.


It happened. FINALLY. I'm so overjoyed and excited. Of course I'm nervous too, but I'm not going to let my nerves take root in my head.

I have been having a good time catching up with all my nurses here at DCH. I could not ask for better nurses. I'm feeling a bit nostalgic, because soon I won't be able to see these people who have been a part of my life for the last 15 years. I'm so grateful for all of the great times I have had here at DCH, and even the bad ones. I have formed some very strong bonds with these people. They are my family! I'm so lucky to have them in my life. :)  I LOVE YOU GUYS!!

Okay, so just in case you're wondering... I've been one sensitive cry baby this week. Of course I do a lot of it in private. I'm just a little overwhelmed by how thrilled I am, and how relieved I am that I'm through the worst of it. I don't think the actual transplant will be as unpleasant as all the crap I've had to do in the last year.
So here is the long overdue blog. I hope you enjoy it. Gives you a little window into the current state of my soul. ;)

I read somewhere that we gain a lot of our life experience through pain, whether it’s physical or mental. As a CF patient I can totally agree, but as a pre-transplant patient – good grief it’s my life! This has not been an easy road to take, and I guess I can kind of see why some cf patients would opt not to go this route. It’s scary, and it most certainly can be painful (physically and mentally). It was the scariest decision I’ve ever made in my life, while simultaneously being the best one.

I’ve always been pretty self aware, and in touch with my body which really aided me throughout my life. But going through this process was like going through a crash course on self awareness and spirituality. Transplant plowed through all my fears, and boundaries. I found out I can do anything, literally, and one day I really understood that this surgery is not only going to SAVE my life, but it’s going to GIVE me a life that I thought I could never have. Someone is going to save my life without even knowing me, in spite of losing a loved one. It’s interesting because this last year has been one huge awakening for me. I learned that the relationships we have with people, the connections, and all the love is what really matters in this life. One of the most intimate relationships I’ll ever have is going to be with a person I don’t even know, or at least part of a person I don’t even know. It’s so remarkable that through someone’s death another person can live. I feel so lucky to know firsthand how utterly amazing it is. This whole process has been so deeply intense, and has opened my eyes to a very different and beautiful world. I’m seeing some amazing things these days. 

The thing I really want to focus on, because it’s the most meaningful to me, is the profound beauty that has come into my life because of transplant. The decision I made is by far the best decision I’ve ever made, and I’m so thankful for everything I have gone through. Some of it was really shitty (excuse me) but through all of this I’ve just become stronger. I’ve learned so much about myself in the last year, but I think I’m also more whole as a person. All the ups and downs have humbled me beyond belief. I can only look back on this last year with reverence. I believe that things happen for a reason, and they happen when they’re supposed to – when we’re able to experience them.

When I was little I used to have dreams that I was running through a park or a field, breathing deeply and not coughing. I remember the sadness and ache in my heart when I woke up because I thought I’d never get to experience that. I never thought I’d be able to breathe deeply anywhere but in my dreams. Funny how things work out in life, the thing I wished for most as a child was to be able to live a long life full of deep breaths. I just didn’t know it would work out, and that I’d have to get a lung transplant to make it happen.

Here I am a year after making my decision to get a transplant, listed, waiting for new lung so I can run and breathe in real life. 

I also want to thank EVERYONE who has prayed for me, thought good things for me, encouraged me, done anything nice for me etc. It's your love and care that helped me get through the last year. Without all the love in my life I'd be lost. So thank you! Know that even if I didn't reply I sent you good thoughts too.

Cheers to LOVE & LIFE!


Saturday, April 9, 2011

Been a little too long

I've said it before and I'll say it again... I am a horrible blogger. The 30 day thing was way too much when I came home. I didn't anticipate not being able to blog. I think it's referred to as writers block? Ha! Just kidding I know all about that. I bet you didn't know that I took a creative writing class in high school. ;)
I'm not going to apologize for not keeping up with my blog, the only thing I can really do is write a blog worth the wait. So, following this post will be a new blog. This one is just to update you a little bit.

A couple weeks ago I went to Seattle for my UW appointment. My Dr told me that the Echo I had done looked good, and they felt really good about listing me. They still had to have a committee meeting and make sure everyone was on the same page, and get some labs from me. I had some paperwork to send to them this week, and I have to do another blood test, but I'm almost there. I'm starting to get a little nervous, I can't believe this is actually happening. Even though for the last year I've been planning my life post transplant, I'm having a hard time imagining getting the call and waking up with new lungs.

I'm going into the hospital on Monday for a week - 10 days. We'll see what happens, I'm starting to feel a little shabby. Picc line is still working perfectly (knock on wood) so I'm very thankful for that. I'm used to it now, and actually really like it. Taking a shower is a little bit of a pain, but I find it actually makes my life easier. I take things slower, so I don't get as wiped out by getting ready. Excited to go in and have some nice relaxation time, some blogging time, and some me time. :)

I promise you all that I have a fantastic entry that is just waiting for some attention and editing. I'll probably post it on Monday or Tuesday. Followed by many other entries! Blogging is heaven sent while in the hospital. Honestly, the internet is amazing!

Running errands for the hospital today, so I will catch you up on Monday or Tuesday. Can't wait!!!