Saturday, April 16, 2011

Long overdue blog

I've been out of it this last week. I guess I underestimated the extent of my exhaustion. I finally finished writing this blog. A major thing happened this week - on Monday.


It happened. FINALLY. I'm so overjoyed and excited. Of course I'm nervous too, but I'm not going to let my nerves take root in my head.

I have been having a good time catching up with all my nurses here at DCH. I could not ask for better nurses. I'm feeling a bit nostalgic, because soon I won't be able to see these people who have been a part of my life for the last 15 years. I'm so grateful for all of the great times I have had here at DCH, and even the bad ones. I have formed some very strong bonds with these people. They are my family! I'm so lucky to have them in my life. :)  I LOVE YOU GUYS!!

Okay, so just in case you're wondering... I've been one sensitive cry baby this week. Of course I do a lot of it in private. I'm just a little overwhelmed by how thrilled I am, and how relieved I am that I'm through the worst of it. I don't think the actual transplant will be as unpleasant as all the crap I've had to do in the last year.
So here is the long overdue blog. I hope you enjoy it. Gives you a little window into the current state of my soul. ;)

I read somewhere that we gain a lot of our life experience through pain, whether it’s physical or mental. As a CF patient I can totally agree, but as a pre-transplant patient – good grief it’s my life! This has not been an easy road to take, and I guess I can kind of see why some cf patients would opt not to go this route. It’s scary, and it most certainly can be painful (physically and mentally). It was the scariest decision I’ve ever made in my life, while simultaneously being the best one.

I’ve always been pretty self aware, and in touch with my body which really aided me throughout my life. But going through this process was like going through a crash course on self awareness and spirituality. Transplant plowed through all my fears, and boundaries. I found out I can do anything, literally, and one day I really understood that this surgery is not only going to SAVE my life, but it’s going to GIVE me a life that I thought I could never have. Someone is going to save my life without even knowing me, in spite of losing a loved one. It’s interesting because this last year has been one huge awakening for me. I learned that the relationships we have with people, the connections, and all the love is what really matters in this life. One of the most intimate relationships I’ll ever have is going to be with a person I don’t even know, or at least part of a person I don’t even know. It’s so remarkable that through someone’s death another person can live. I feel so lucky to know firsthand how utterly amazing it is. This whole process has been so deeply intense, and has opened my eyes to a very different and beautiful world. I’m seeing some amazing things these days. 

The thing I really want to focus on, because it’s the most meaningful to me, is the profound beauty that has come into my life because of transplant. The decision I made is by far the best decision I’ve ever made, and I’m so thankful for everything I have gone through. Some of it was really shitty (excuse me) but through all of this I’ve just become stronger. I’ve learned so much about myself in the last year, but I think I’m also more whole as a person. All the ups and downs have humbled me beyond belief. I can only look back on this last year with reverence. I believe that things happen for a reason, and they happen when they’re supposed to – when we’re able to experience them.

When I was little I used to have dreams that I was running through a park or a field, breathing deeply and not coughing. I remember the sadness and ache in my heart when I woke up because I thought I’d never get to experience that. I never thought I’d be able to breathe deeply anywhere but in my dreams. Funny how things work out in life, the thing I wished for most as a child was to be able to live a long life full of deep breaths. I just didn’t know it would work out, and that I’d have to get a lung transplant to make it happen.

Here I am a year after making my decision to get a transplant, listed, waiting for new lung so I can run and breathe in real life. 

I also want to thank EVERYONE who has prayed for me, thought good things for me, encouraged me, done anything nice for me etc. It's your love and care that helped me get through the last year. Without all the love in my life I'd be lost. So thank you! Know that even if I didn't reply I sent you good thoughts too.

Cheers to LOVE & LIFE!



Diane Rosa said...

SO,SO,SO,SO HAPPY for you Phoebe. Your spirit continues to feed me. Even though I don't get to see you on a daily basis anymore, I still talk about your amazing attitude about life and your loving and determined ways even to people I hardly know. Can't wait to hear that you are actually out there running in that field. Blessings and much love to you today and always.

Kerry said...

Absolutely beautifully written. Sooooo pleased you're finally on the list!!! Hopefully you won't have to wait too long for your call! All my love :) xx

Jena Brown said...

You are such an inspiration phee!! I'm so proud of you and your positive mental atttitude! Those lungs are just right around the corner and I can't wait to meet them! :]

Josh, Erica, Garrett, and Haylee said...

We LOVE you hear at DCH!!! :) We are all so excited for you!!! You an amazingly strong person and I admire everything you have gone through and the attitute you have!!

Mrs. Bliss said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mrs. Bliss said...

There are some who live their life waiting for their final breath and others who fight and love every breath that is granted to them. You fall in the latter category. What an example to those who don't appreciate or fight for what they already have. :) Love you!

Mrs. Bliss said...

By the way, that was me who deleted the comment above because of a silly typo that made no sense. :P

MissMaxMisadventures said...

What lovely sentiments! We struggle to keep Grandma Martha going in her latter years and she loses a little more mobility and capabilities every day and it saddens us to see her struggle and tire. We see you fight for every breath and we see you rise above impossible odds and we are strengthened by your spirit.