I WAS LISTED FOR A DOUBLE LUNG TRANSPLANT!!!!!!!
It happened. FINALLY. I'm so overjoyed and excited. Of course I'm nervous too, but I'm not going to let my nerves take root in my head.
I have been having a good time catching up with all my nurses here at DCH. I could not ask for better nurses. I'm feeling a bit nostalgic, because soon I won't be able to see these people who have been a part of my life for the last 15 years. I'm so grateful for all of the great times I have had here at DCH, and even the bad ones. I have formed some very strong bonds with these people. They are my family! I'm so lucky to have them in my life. :) I LOVE YOU GUYS!!
Okay, so just in case you're wondering... I've been one sensitive cry baby this week. Of course I do a lot of it in private. I'm just a little overwhelmed by how thrilled I am, and how relieved I am that I'm through the worst of it. I don't think the actual transplant will be as unpleasant as all the crap I've had to do in the last year.
So here is the long overdue blog. I hope you enjoy it. Gives you a little window into the current state of my soul. ;)
I read somewhere that we gain a lot of our life experience
through pain, whether it’s physical or mental. As a CF patient I can totally
agree, but as a pre-transplant patient – good grief it’s my life! This has not
been an easy road to take, and I guess I can kind of see why some cf patients
would opt not to go this route. It’s scary, and it most certainly can be painful
(physically and mentally). It was the scariest decision I’ve ever made in my
life, while simultaneously being the best one.
I’ve always been pretty self aware, and in touch with my
body which really aided me throughout my life. But going through this process
was like going through a crash course on self awareness and spirituality. Transplant
plowed through all my fears, and boundaries. I found out I can do anything,
literally, and one day I really understood that this surgery is not only going
to SAVE my life, but it’s going to GIVE me a life that I thought I could never have.
Someone is going to save my life without even knowing me, in spite of losing a
loved one. It’s interesting because this last year has been one huge awakening
for me. I learned that the relationships we have with people, the connections,
and all the love is what really matters in this life. One of the most intimate
relationships I’ll ever have is going to be with a person I don’t even know, or
at least part of a person I don’t even know. It’s so remarkable that through
someone’s death another person can live. I feel so lucky to know firsthand how
utterly amazing it is. This whole process has been so deeply intense, and has
opened my eyes to a very different and beautiful world. I’m seeing some amazing
things these days.
The thing I really want to focus on, because it’s the most
meaningful to me, is the profound beauty that has come into my life because of
transplant. The decision I made is by far the best decision I’ve ever made, and
I’m so thankful for everything I have gone through. Some of it was really
shitty (excuse me) but through all of this I’ve just become stronger. I’ve
learned so much about myself in the last year, but I think I’m also more whole
as a person. All the ups and downs have humbled me beyond belief. I can only
look back on this last year with reverence. I believe that things happen for a
reason, and they happen when they’re supposed to – when we’re able to
experience them.
When I was little I used to have dreams that I was running
through a park or a field, breathing deeply and not coughing. I remember the
sadness and ache in my heart when I woke up because I thought I’d never get to
experience that. I never thought I’d be able to breathe deeply anywhere but in
my dreams. Funny how things work out in life, the thing I wished for most as a
child was to be able to live a long life full of deep breaths. I just didn’t
know it would work out, and that I’d have to get a lung transplant to make it
happen.
Here I am a year after making my decision to get a
transplant, listed, waiting for new lung so I can run and breathe in real
life.
I also want to thank EVERYONE who has prayed for me, thought good things for me, encouraged me, done anything nice for me etc. It's your love and care that helped me get through the last year. Without all the love in my life I'd be lost. So thank you! Know that even if I didn't reply I sent you good thoughts too.
Cheers to LOVE & LIFE!
Phee