Thursday, December 16, 2010

First Thankful Thursday/big news!

Good news from the 206 (aka Seattle/UW)

As you all know, if you've read my previous blog entry about my procedure, I still have one more thing to do before I can be listed. AND, if you read that entry, than you also know that it's to get my clot handled and get my SVC stent-ed.
The cardiologist concocted a plan to fix everything. That plan along with cat scan with contrast images, and the footage from the procedure was shipped up to Seattle for review. Today the counsel meeting was held, and her plan was APPROVED! That's right, the mystery is gone, the procedure is pending, and I am soooo elated!!
Here's the plan:
Take my port out, remove clot, stent SVC, put new port in, seal me up, and send  me to recovery. It's so amazingly simple, and I know for sure that it is going to work out. :D
Now, I have a theory and I'm pretty sure I have never shared it in my blog, not even the CCA blogs I wrote. I have had a lot of shitty set backs in my life, I pretty much went from one intense bacteria to another my entire childhood, so unlike a lot of people I've always been sick. I've just never been this sick. With every set back came a new self awareness, and a new experience. It's hard for me to be bitter about it all because I feel everything that happened, happened the right way to bring me to the present. What's meant to be will be, but I think that it's determined by the person, it's what they ultimately want their life to be. We have been given the wonderful gift of being able to learn. We can learn from every experience in our lives and apply it to our future. The way that's most apparent for me is I am NOW physically ready for a lung transplant, as well as mentally and spiritually. 10 years ago when my doctors tried to talk me into it I had absolutely no interest. Not only that but knowing what I know about transplant, I can say that I would have not been able to handle it well. I would have been scared, and you don't want to do something like that being fearful. It's happening now because I'm ready for it, because when it was brought up to me again in February my life took a new direction. It changed from being mysterious and uncertain, to being hopeful and prosperous. I've always had certainty that my future would be a healthy one, and although life after transplant isn't exactly picture perfect health, I'll be able to live more than I have my entire life of being sick.
The crappy things that happened in my life have made me grateful for what I have, and what I get. They gave me the ability to see something for what it is and respect it/accept it, but know if it is or isn't right for me. I can also VERY clearly see where my life is going, I'm not hopeful anymore, I'm anxious. I just want to get to the finish line so I can take a break! Most of all though, I am self aware, I AM me. That being said, I'm completely positive that the whole transplant itself will take me to places I've never been before. All I can say is...I CANNOT WAIT!!!!

After I found out about the new development I had the realization that this transplant is happening for me. It's REALLY gonna happen, the bright shiny future I picture in my's gonna be real. Nearing the end of that thought process I just started to cry, alone in my hospital room, sitting on my bed, just bawling my eyes out.
This is a picture of me on top of the Space needle on my last visit to UW. I'm looking happy and excited, because I was totally jazzed about my last visit to Seattle before being listed.

So this Thursday....I'm thankful for the amazing team up in Seattle, the amazing team down here, my amazing care team (all of you, not just mom and Morgan), for my strength which is always surprising me, and ultimately I'm thankful for the gift to be able to live another day every day.
This life is just too amazing to miss out on. I can't wait to see what's next.

To life, to love, to experiences (good and bad), and to the never dying spirit in us all.

Love, love, and more love


Ronnie "Sickboy" Sharpe said...

Thank you for sharing all of your raw emotions concerning all of this yet still having the ability to see the good in all of it. That's powerful.


madtagger said...

Phoebe, darling you always are surprising me with your strength of spirit and insights. You have had such an impact on many life lessons in the time and life we have shared. Thank you. You are you. I would not change a single moment. I cannot imagine life without all the love and beauty we have created and experienced together! Much love to you. Let's do this! We can and we will, and I look forward to it.